16 · SATURDAY, MAY 20, 2017 Q&A: HELPING KIDS DEAL WITH GRIEF The death of a loved one can be a con-fusing time for a child, and, like adults, children can experience grief in many dif-ferent ways. Recently, Prince Harry spoke for the first time publicly about his deep struggle with grief following the death of his mother when he was 12. He spoke of how long it took to come to terms with her loss and how the struggle to process his feelings negatively impacted his life and his work into his late-20s. Terese Vorsheck is a clinical psycholo-gist and director of the Highmark Caring Place, which offers free support services to children grieving the death of loved ones. They have locations in Pittsburgh, Erie, Cranberry and Harrisburg. Highmark Caring Place also partners with schools to provide peer support groups and help teachers and staff to provide support to grieving students. Caregiver recently spoke with Vorsheck for insight into how a child might process the loss of a parent, grandparent, sibling or other loved one. For more information visit highmark-caringplace. com or call 888-224-4673 in Pittsburgh or 888-734-4073 in Cranberry. Q: How does grief differ in children compared to adults? A: The main way grief looks different in children is that children will come in and out of their grief more quickly because their cognitive ability only allows them to stay with the grief for a short period of time. For example, often times adults are confused when a child will be at the fu-neral of a close family member and clearly upset by what’s going on, but they come back to the house for the wake and next thing you know the child’s outside playing. Adults in the same situation are still very heavy-hearted, so they see the child playing and think, “Wow, he’s moved on ADAPTING & ADJUSTING quickly,” but that’s not what’s happening. The other major difference is that grief lasts much longer than people expect it to. In kids, it really will last a lifetime. It will change forms over time, but when your brother dies at 7 years old, you understand that differently than at 12, 18, 27. When you hit different developmental mile-stones, you process that loss differently, and as those milestones come up — like in school, athletics, dating, etc. — that loss will be triggered again. Q: Does the age of the child matter? A: Yes. When a child is pre-kindergar-ten, one of the predominant differ-ences is that they don’t understand the permanence of death. So while they are at funeral home and see grandpa in the cof-fin and they’ve been through the funeral service, it wouldn’t be unusual for them a week later to say, “Is grandpa coming over this Saturday?” They need a lot of retelling of what has happened because that permanence just isn’t a concept they can grasp at that age. As they get older, more into elementary school, reaction to the death of someone close to them is very tangible and they’re very self-centered, not in a negative way but at that age the world revolves around them. So at that age, they’re worried about who’s going to make me breakfast, or pick me up after school, or get me to ballet class because that’s their experience with the parent. PHOTOS COURTESY OF HIGHMARK CARING PLACE You’ll also see a lot of separation anxiety at that age. So, for instance, if mom died, they’ll become very acutely aware of what will happen if dad dies. Often times they won’t want to let the surviving parent out of their sight. As they get older, from preteen to teen, they’re more able to understand what this death means in the present and future. They’ll understand that dad won’t be there when I graduate, or teach me to drive, or teach the things dads teach. Q: Is it tough to tell sometimes how a child might be coping? A: Oh, sure. It is hard to gauge because all kids are different and all react differently. Some might become quiet and not want to talk about it while others want to express themselves in different ways. Parents get concerned on both sides. Some say, “My kid’s not talking about his brother at all, what does that mean?” to, “My child is talking about his brother all the time, what does that mean?” Their reactions can be very different. I would say instead of focusing on specific questions to ask (to gauge how a child is coping) it’s more about staying in com-munication with your child and being available to them. Let them know that this is hard, and you’re available to talk when-ever they need and to bring up the person who’s died to encourage them if they want to share memories. Some kids want to do that because it’s comforting. For other kids, it hurts too much. It’s more important to let the child know that however they need to be is OK, and you’re available, and there and you support them. Q: What harm can grief cause if a child doesn’t process it in a healthy way? A: There are a lot of different reactions and ways grief can manifest itself and become what we call complicated grief. It can turn to depression, it can manifest itself in high anxiety levels, and it can impact the child’s ability to func-tion in school or after-school activities or interact with friends. It can impact energy levels, and the kids will become more tired easily. Sometimes their grades will drop. Those are the things you want to look for. Children are going to grieve, but when parents ask me when should I be worried, the way I answer is that when grief starts to really impact their day-to-day functioning, or when you see a longer-term pattern over several weeks into months where it seems like they’re missing school, withdrawing from friends, when you’re seeing a signifi-cant drop in grades. Q: Why does being surrounded by peers who are also grieving help? A: I think what’s helpful about that is that part of the grieving process is that grief is very confusing. You feel like you’re losing your mind sometimes, the sadness can be so deep. Grief can sap your energy and make you unable to think clearly at times, and you wonder why you’re feeling certain ways. Kids find it very helpful to share that and hear someone else their age say, “I’ve had similar thoughts or felt that way, too, since my sister died.” It’s a normal human need to know what we’re feeling or experiencing is not out of the ordinary, and being with peers going through similar things helps normalize what they’re feeling. It also helps them not to feel alone in it. Although grief affects one in five children by the time they graduate high school, often times they don’t know who else in school this has happened to, and they feel they’re the only ones going through it. It’s a normal human reaction to know you’re in a community of others who understand. Children’s feelings, emotions can differ greatly from adults’ These lighted luminarias are hand-decorated with messages representing the hope that healing is possible after someone has died and that it won’t always hurt so badly. BY KAREN PRICE
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