16 · SATURDAY, MAY 20, 2017 These lighted luminarias are hand-decorated with messages representing the hope that healing is possible after someone has died and that it won’t always hurt so badly. Q&A: HELPING KIDS DEAL WITH GRIEF The death of a loved one can be a con-fusing time for a child, and, like adults, children can experience grief in many dif-ferent ways. Recently, Prince Harry spoke for the first time publicly about his deep struggle with grief following the death of his mother when he was 12. He spoke of how long it took to come to terms with her loss and how the struggle to process his feelings negatively impacted his life and his work into his late-20s. Terese Vorsheck is a clinical psycholo-gist and director of the Highmark Caring Place, which offers free support services to children grieving the death of loved ones. They have locations in Pittsburgh, Erie, Cranberry and Harrisburg. Highmark Caring Place also partners with schools to provide peer support groups and help teachers and staff to provide support to grieving students. Caregiver recently spoke with Vorsheck for insight into how a child might process the loss of a parent, grandparent, sibling or other loved one. For more information visit highmark-caringplace. com or call 888-224-4673 in Pittsburgh or 888-734-4073 in Cranberry. Q: How does grief differ in children compared to adults? A: The main way grief looks different in children is that children will come in and out of their grief more quickly because their cognitive ability only allows them to stay with the grief for a short period of time. For example, often times adults are con-fused when a child will be at the funeral of a close family member and clearly upset by what’s going on, but they come back to the house for the wake and next thing you know the child’s outside playing. Adults in the same situation are still very heavy-hearted, so they see the child playing and think, “Wow, he’s moved on quickly,” but that’s not what’s happening. The other major difference is that grief lasts much longer than people expect it to. In kids, it really will last a lifetime. It will change forms over time, but when your brother dies at 7 years old, you understand that differently than at 12, 18, 27. When you hit different developmental mile-stones, you process that loss differently, and as those milestones come up — like in school, athletics, dating, etc. — that loss will be triggered again. Q: Does the age of the child matter? A: Yes. When a child is pre-kindergar-ten, one of the predominant differ-ences is that they don’t understand the permanence of death. So while they are at funeral home and see grandpa in the cof-fin and they’ve been through the funeral service, it wouldn’t be unusual for them a week later to say, “Is grandpa coming over this Saturday?” They need a lot of retelling of what has happened because that permanence just isn’t a concept they can grasp at that age. As they get older, more into elementary school, reaction to the death of someone close to them is very tangible and they’re very self-centered, not in a negative way but at that age the world revolves around them. So at that age, they’re worried about who’s going to make me breakfast, or pick me up after school, or get me to ballet class because that’s their experience with the parent. You’ll also see a lot of separation anxiety at that age. So, for instance, if mom died, they’ll become very acutely aware of what will happen if dad dies. Often times they won’t want to let the surviving parent out of their sight. As they get older, from preteen to teen, they’re more able to understand what this death means in the present and future. They’ll understand that dad won’t be there when I graduate, or teach me to drive, or teach the things dads teach. Q: Is it tough to tell sometimes how a child might be coping? A: Oh, sure. It is hard to gauge because all kids are different and all react differently. Some might become quiet and not want to talk about it while others want Children’s feelings, emotions can differ greatly from adults’ PHOTOS COURTESY OF HIGHMARK CARING PLACE ADAPTING & ADJUSTING BY KAREN PRICE
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